Seth's First Day
by kennedymommy3
Summary: It's Seth's first day; Embry's deaf, Paul's going blind, Bella's toothless, and Jake can't get it up. Rated M for crude humor and language, sexual innuendos.


**A/N: So, I know I've been total fail with not updating stories, and for that I'm sorry. Buut... I HAVE been writing, just... not a lot. So, without further ado, here's a little funny for yall that have been patient with me. Hope you like it. :) -km3- **

**Beta: Mist**

**Pre-reader: Luvinj**

**Disclaimer: SM owns all, I just like to toy with them sometimes.  
**

**Seth's First Day**

"Just look at the bright side, Pops, you'll be with all your friends again, getting the pack back together. It isn't the end of the world. Look, they even have a nice view of the woods," my grandson told me as we pulled up in front of Bogachiel Adult Family Home. _Yeah, you weren't around when there was a pack, you don't know the hell that was raised by all of them. _

For the most part, I was pretty healthy, my hip and knee were giving out on me. Other than that, I was fine. My grandson, Alan, was just tired of helping me around more than anything.

"Okay, Pops, let me help you out of the car. I'll grab your cane and bags, you just wait right there for me."

"I'm not an invalid, I can get my own damn cane, Alan." I clambered out of the car as best I could. It was rather difficult without having my cane, but I wasn't about to let on about it. Alan thought it would be best to put it in the trunk since his two-seater had no room for me to carry it up front with me.

"I know you're not, Pops, but I'm not blind and can tell you're having trouble," he said as he rounded the car and handed me my cane.

"Just give me the damn thing already. This is humiliating enough, having to be put into a damn nursing home at eighty-eight. I'm more than capable of taking care of myself. I never asked for your help, you know."

"Now, Pops, that's enough of that. Let's get you inside."

"You better watch it, boy, I'm still your grandfather and I'm still a member of the La Push pack. Don't make the wolf come out in me, son."

"Pops, I love you, but your wolf has been asleep for over fifty years. I doubt he'd make a reappearance right now even if there was a vampire right in front of us. Now let's get inside, it's cold," Alan said as he opened the door and ushered me in.

"I'm not cold. Part of being a wolf..." I mumbled.

"I'm sure you're not. Just think, you'll get to see Aunt Leah every day, just like when you were in the pack." _That's what I'm dreading. _

"Yes, I'm here to check my grandfather, Seth Clearwater, in. He's supposed to be in the assisted living," Alan told the nurse behind the desk.

After checking on the computer, she directed Alan and me to follow her down the hall to my room. While following behind Alan and the nurse, Colleen, I noticed some of the rooms had pad locks on the outside of the doors while others were left bare. Each room was different in décor, but all had a nice, homey feel to them.

We arrived at a door and Colleen told me to get acquainted with my room while she had Alan sign the last of my paperwork.

"I can still sign my name, you know. Just bring them here and I'll take care of them," I told her as I took in the room around me. It was a nice room, with a big bed and even a small area to watch TV with a sofa, recliner, and small coffee table.

"I'm sure you can, Mr. Clearwater, but we need a relative's signature. If you'd like, there are some people down in the common room. I hear you might know some of them. I'm sure they'd love to see you. It's not very often they get visitors."

"Yeah, cause they're all a bunch of bat-shit crazy old coots! I'll find my way down there when I'm ready. Thank you, Alan, for dropping your loving, old grandfather in this dump. I'm sure you're father's rolling in his grave at what you're doing to me. Now get out," I said as a grabbed the remote and began flipping through the satellite channels. _Oh, Dish Network. Awesome!_

After a while of flipping through the channels and not finding anything interesting, I decided I had better go ahead and see everyone. I grabbed my cane and hemorrhoid pillow and made my way down the hall as best I could. I followed the sound voices and screeching to a large room with couches, card tables, and one of the biggest TV's I had ever seen. _Hey, maybe this place won't be so bad. _

I spotted Quil in a wheel chair, parked next to Embry on one of the couches as they watched a football game straight ahead. Paul was on a couch to my right with Rachael slung over his lap while he... _rubbed her boobs? _What the hell kind of place was this that they would allow that to go on in the common room?

"Hey, get a room! That's my sister you're rubbing on, and she's asleep! I just got a hard on and now it's gone, thanks a lot!" Jake yelled as he came down another hall across the room to the left, Bella quick on his heels. Well, as quick as she could move lately. It seemed being ninety-two and having no supernatural gifts to speak of left her a little shrunken and hunch backed. _Well, we've come and we've seen, now let's get back to the room before Leah shows up. _Turning around and heading in the direction I came from, I froze when a hand grabbed my shoulder.

"Well, what do you know? That Alan finally got tired of carting your old sorry ass around, I see. Come give your big sis a hug." _Aw, shit._

"Hi, Leah. My hemorrhoid is starting to act up again, I think I'm just gonna head back to my room. I'll see you at dinner." _Or not. _It's not that I didn't love my sister or want anything to do with her, it's just Leah turned into an even bigger bitch in her old age than she was when she was younger.

"Now, come, come. Give your sissy a hug, I've missed you so much," she crooned as she leaned in and wrapped her arms around me. My body tensed and my cane clanged to the floor as she squeezed.

"I've missed you, Seth, truly I have. It's so weird not having you around with the rest of the pack. I'm glad you finally came back to us." _Maybe she really does mean it and isn't be a bitch like always. _

I figured I should return the gesture and raised my arms to envelope my sister in a hug. Just as I laid my hands and the hemorrhoid pillow on the top of her back, I felt her hands leave my back and grab the skin of my cheek before twisting and pulling.

"_Ow! _Leah, _what the fuck_?" I screamed as I jerked away from her.

"You're still such a girl." She cackled as she walked off and sat on the couch beside Embry. By now, most everyone else in the room had realized I had arrived and started making their way towards me. All except for Jake.

I figured I had better go and say hello to my old Alpha and see how he'd been doing. I made my way over to him and sat down on the couch. "So, Jake, how's it hangin'?"

He glanced down at his lap before replying, "To the left. Always to the left. It's been about two weeks since I've had a semi, and damn Paul had to go and ruin it for me with his groping my sister. Damn asshole, I thought I was finally gonna get lucky today... or tonight... depending on how long I could keep it up and then that shit. I'd have been happy to stay in the room if it hadn't been for Bells here wanting another Popsicle." He gestured towards her with his head. I looked up to find Bella hard at work sucking the life out of the blue Popsicle in her mouth.

"Hey Bella, what are ya thinkin' bout, sucking on a piece of ice all the time? You thinkin' bout Edward's frozen thingy, by chance?" Leah screeched from her spot in the middle of the room.

Jake's eyes grew hard as he glared at my sister, then his wife. "Can it, Leah, before I order you to do squats. You were lucky enough to reach your ankles last month. Do you want me to push you to the toes?"

"Oh shush, you big oaf. I was just messing with her. Besides, it's not like you've got anything she can work with at the moment," Leah retorted while motioning towards Jake's crotch.

"WHAT DID YA SAY, I COULDN'T HEAR YOU," Embry hollered at Quil, who was looking very uncomfortable in his wheel chair.

"Keep it down, will ya? I don't need everyone knowing I just sharted!"

"I BELIEVE YOU SAID YOU JUST FARTED, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, QUIL, IT SMELLS LIKE YOU JUST SHIT YOURSELF."

"SHART, you shit for brains! I SAID I SHARTED!" Quil yelled back at Embry.

"YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT CALLED A SHART IF THERE'S NO AIR WITH IT. THEN IT'S JUST CONSIDERED SHITTING YOUR PANTS." _Oh, hell. _

It would seem not all of the wolf senses stuck around when you'd gone so long without phasing. If I had to guess, I'd say Embry was as deaf as a post. Or on his way there, more likely.

"Dammit, Embry, now everyone's gonna know the smell is coming from me! And you embarrassed me in front of the hot nurse over there. Claire's coming in a little while, and now I need another bath!"

"Oh, God, not again, Qwiii!" Bella whined as she stood up and slowly shuffled towards the nurse at the far end of the room. "I just thought I'd yet you know that Qwi shhhit his self again and needs to be ceaned up. He's wealy sinking up sa room. Can I get anudder pah-shicle?"

"So, what happened to Bella's teeth? She lose them again?" I asked Jake as I leaned back into the couch cushions.

"Yeah, about a week ago I got it up and thought it'd be a good time to get Bells to give me some head. She took her teeth out but then pulled a Rachael and passed out on me before I could get my pants off. Didn't matter really, I was soft again before my pants hit my ankles. But when we woke up in the morning, her teeth were gone. The nurses misplaced them and no one can find them." Jacob huffed and glanced at the game on the TV.

"Pulled a Rachael?" I questioned. I was unaware of Rachael having any real reason for being in here, other than not wanting to be away from Paul.

"Rachael has some heart issues that's she taking medication for, but they cause her to go to sleep all the time. And I mean All. The. Time. Even when we're sitting at the dining room table. She's landed face first in her soup before. If I didn't know better, I'd think she's narcoleptic. Still, none of that keeps Paul from practically molesting her while she sleeps. I always thought his cataracts would slow him down since he's almost completely blind now, but it's like Rachael's boobs and his hands are magnetized."

"Hey, Jare, why do you have that rope tied around your waist?" Paul asked Jared, who was coming down the hall, pushing his walker, tennis balls and all. At the other end of the rope behind Jared, was a wheel chair occupied by Kim.

"I don't know, the crazy bitch says she's my wife, but I don't know why she says that! I'd have never married her!"

"Oh, you just shut your mouth, Jared Cameron. We've been married for the better part of seventy-two years and you've loved every minute of it! Now, finish pulling me into the common room; I've heard Seth was moving in today and I can't wait to see how wrinkly he is."

"No! Pull yourself, you crazy old hag. I would have never married you; you were that plain, quiet girl in English class! I married Selma Hayek." Jared turned and looked around the room, his eyes landing on me. "Seth, get the woman off of me! I can't take a step without my balls hitting the bar right here." He pointed to the bar running horizontal across the front of his walker. "If you could just untie me, I wouldn't have that problem."

"Sorry, Jare, this is one thing I can't help you with. My hemorrhoid is acting up again, and I just can't get off my pillow at the moment."

"Aww, hell, you good for nothin, punk. What did we ever let you into the pack for? You've never really helped out with anything."

"Why don't you take one of those tennis balls and stuff it up your ass, Cameron. Leave my brother alone before I give _you_ hemorrhoids," Leah told Jared, getting up from her spot on the couch and moving towards Kim's wheelchair.

"I just don't understand why today is so much worse than all the days before, Leah. He's usually at least somewhat conscious of the fact that I'm his wife. Now he just denies it so much, and the things he says is just awful," Kim looked on the verge of tears.

"Shut it, Kim, he's got Alzheimer's. You knew this could happen. It seems like the imprint bull shit isn't all powerful against old age."

"I just can't stand the fact that he doesn't seem to know me. We have five children, for Christ's sake!" Leah untied the rope connecting Kim to Jared before pushing the wheelchair towards the French doors leading out onto a deck.

"Yeah, okay, let's go outside and we can talk about this, how's that sound? I'll listen to all your whining out there. Sound good?" Leah waved the approaching nurse away while saying, "I've got everything under control in here, why don't you just go and wash Quil up already? He's got a date with his wife soon and he smells like shit. Literally."

"HEY BELLA, YOU EVER REALIZE THAT THAT HUNCHBACK OF YOURS PUTS YOU IN THE PERFECT POSITION TO GIVE JAKE SOME SUCKY-SUCKY. TOO BAD HE CAN'T GET IT UP, HUH," Embry yelled across the room to Bella who had her eyes closed while continuing to suck on a popsicle.

"Shuh up, Embwy, my Shake is shus fine. Ain' fat righ, honey? Jus' 'cause the Fiagwa and the Cialish didn' work doeshn' mean nufffin," she said while going over and sitting on Jake's lap.

Watching these people that I've known my whole life moving around and acting all decrepit and... old... really made me pissed off at Alan for leaving me here. I mean, yeah, I was eighty-eight and I did have hemorrhoids and problems with my knee and hip. But I had my teeth, my hearing, my eyesight; I could remember my name and who my wife was; I wasn't a horn-dog, well, not any worse than when I was younger. And I could still get it up... occasionally. I can't believe this is where we all ended up though; the great and powerful La Push pack – protectors of the tribe and humanity. It was all just beyond me how this is what we've become.

While thinking back on what we consider our glory days, I was interrupted by a voice that I recognized, though it was riddled with age and the toll of a hard life.

"But Sam, please listen. You love _me, _you're imprinted to _me, _not Leah." Sam walked into the common room, his hair line receding greatly from the last time I was here to visit. He was mumbling to himself, but with the traces of my wolf abilities, I could pick up on the mantra, "gotta keep the secret, no one knows, the legends are true..."

"Hey, Sam, long time no see. How's it going?" I asked when he stood in front of me, Emily hanging on to the waistband of his blue jean shorts.

"Good, Seth, good. Is Lee-Lee around? I have... I need to talk to her about something." He looked worried, but then again he always looked worried whenever they had this talk.

"She's outside with Kim. What do you need to talk to her about?" I asked, curious as to see if he'd tell me this time. Sam's jaw ticked and his eyes were hard as steel before he repeated to himself (or so he thought), "gotta keep the secret, no one knows, the legends are true."

"I'm not outside, but Kim still is. Poor thing can't push herself inside. Oh well, maybe she can sort through her cry baby problems before I go back and get her. My goodness, she never shuts up. After seventy-four years, it gets old, really really old," Leah said from behind me, causing me to jump.

"Why so jumpy, little brother, scared of a big bad wolf?"

"Wolf? What do you know about wolves, Lee-Lee? Who have you been talking to?" Sam grabbed Leah by her shoulders, shaking her until she looked at him.

"Still thinking you're the only that's phased, you big doofus?" Leah asked as she reached up and grabbed hold of Sam's nipples, twisting them until he yelped.

"See, if you were still a wolf, you idiot, you wouldn't have been hurt by that. Get off me now, I need to go put Rachael in her room for a nap."

"But, Lee-Lee, wait. I need to talk to you –," Sam said, but she was already gone.

"Now Paul, Rachael needs her rest, so you need to let her up. Quit rubbing on her boobs already. I swear, you must have been raised in a barn!"

"Or by wolves," Jared supplied.

"Mr. Ateara, come back here! You have no clothes on!" a nurse hollered just as Quil came scrambling into the room with a walker.

"Claire! Claire, where are you? I know I heard you scream. My ears are still good as they were when we were young!" He stopped when he was in front of us, looking around frantically.

"That wasn't Claire, Quil. That was Sam. Get back in the bath, you're looking more shriveled than you usually do," Paul said.

"Oh yeah, how can you tell? You're as blind as a bat!"

"HEY, LEAH, YOU'RE GONNA PULL HER HAIR OUT IF YOU KEEP DRAGGING HER AROUND LIKE THAT," Embry announced. We all turned, except for Paul who couldn't tell what direction they were going in, to find Leah pulling Rachael by the hair on her head. _I don't even want to know how she got her away from Paul. _

I decided I might need to help the poor girl out and clambered off of my hemorrhoid pillow, grabbed my cane, and walked as quickly as I could, which wasn't too bad for an old geezer, to where my sister was. I tapped Rachael with my cane but she didn't budge. I tapped her again, this time a little harder. She still didn't budge.

"Seth, you're going to just end up bruising the poor girl, because she's not going to wake up."

"Yeah, well you're going to leave her bald."

"I'll take her, just let go, Ms. Clearwater," a nurse said as she approached.

"I should think so. It's so hard to find any good help around here, I tell you. If we weren't so shorthanded, I'd have your job for lack of attention to these patients. Now, Seth, let's get back in there."

When we walked back into the room, we noticed that Quil was gone, as was Kim still. Jacob seemed to be working really hard on getting to his goal with Bella on his lap, kissing each other like teenagers. Embry was on the couch, but this time he had a guitar draped across his lap and head phones on. Paul was walking around, asking for Rachael and bumping into tables, chairs, and couches. Jared was asleep on the couch that Paul had previously occupied. Sam was still trying to pry Emily off of himself, but she was digging in her claws, literally.

"Hey, Lee, what's Embry doing?" I asked.

"Oh, he's playing Guitar Hero thirty-eight. It's no wonder he's deaf, what, with how he turns the volume up and wears those head phones. No one else wants to listen to the crud they call music these days."

I didn't know who to go and talk to, so I resigned myself to saving yet another poor woman from Leah's ruthless behavior – I would go and bring Kim back in. After all, it's the middle of winter and the poor thing is probably freezing to death.

After making my way across the room to the double doors, I stepped out onto the patio to find Kim wrapped up to her nose in a blanket. Her eyelashes looked on the verge of freezing to her face with the tears she had cried.

"Kim, are you okay? Can you talk?" I asked as I leaned down and felt her cheeks. Slowly, she shook her head yes and mumbled a plea to be taken back inside.

I pushed her back to the doors as quickly as I could. When we were in the common room again, Leah rushed over and felt Kim's forehead and cheeks. Leah tensed and jerked her hand away before turning and hollering, "LEECH! She's a leech! Those damn bloodsuckers got Kim!"

All of a sudden the whole pack was moving towards us, shaking and trembling. _They're not seriously going to try to phase, are they? _

"WE'RE GOING TO THE BEACH? BUT IT'S TOO COLD OUT."

"I can't smell anything on her; her heart is still beating, I think."

"I can't see! Where's Rachael? I need to save her."

"Is Edward here?"

"Who gives a shit, she's just some girl from English class."

"The venom must not be all the way in her system."

"Stand back, Leah, I'll save you!"

"No shit, Sherlock, she just got bit!"

"What the fuck, Bella?"

"Sam, you're supposed to save me!"

"Oh, calm down! Everyone just calm down for a second. Leah, she's not a leech. You left her outside, for Christ's sake. And Bella ...really?" I was at a loss. I may have been old, but surely I didn't fit in with this crowd. _Maybe I could get Alan to switch me to a different home, or maybe Colin or Brady would let me come stay with them..._

"Yeah, Bella, really?" Leah echoed. "Oh, and Sam... here's the deal. You're a wolf, we're all wolves, you imprinted on my cousin before running off and having five kids with her. You don't have to worry about keeping the secret from us, because we already know, or saving me, got it?"

"Leah, go get a nurse and tell her that Kim's more than likely suffering from hypothermia."

"Why should I get one of them? I can take care of her just as well, if not better, than any of those damn nurses."

"Because you're the one who left her out there, Leah. My goodness, everyone, get her some blankets," Jacob commanded in the best Alpha voice he could pull off.

"Why doeshn' Jhared keep her warm?"

"Because he's too delusional to realize she's actually his wife and our bodies don't run so hot anymore."

A nurse came in and rushed Kim out of the room, leaving us all standing or sitting around in our various states of senescence. I figured now was as good a time as any to get out while I still could.

"Well guys, it's been... well it's time for me to go to my room now. I'll see you all at dinner." _Or not, if I'm lucky. I wonder if they'll let me take my meal in my room..._

I turned and shuffled away before anyone could give a reply.

Back in my room, I found I was tired from the day's events. I thought it good to lay down and take a nap before the nurses rounded everyone up for dinner. Laying down on the bed, I stared up at the ceiling, thinking about my family, my pack. Never had we thought we'd see old age like this. While we knew we would live longer than a normal human life span, who would have ever guessed we'd be going blind, or deaf, or incompetent, or impotent even? This was the great and mighty pack of La Push, defenders of the human race. And we were a bunch of old, decrepit invalids now.

I fell asleep, awaking to a dark room with moon light casting in through the window. _I must have missed dinner. Oh well, not big on nursing home food anyway. _

I rolled to the side and out of bed. Being old really does a number on your bladder, that's for sure.

As I scuffled across the floor with my cane, I made out moans coming from the room next to me.

"_OH, Bells... thank God... Halleluuu-jah!" _After a moment, there was a soft laugh and then, _"Hey, Jhake, can you geh me a nudder pah-shicle?"_ A sigh and, "Sure, sure, honey."

I sighed with resignation. This may not have been my first choice to live out my years, probably not even my second, but there was comfort in the fact that as much as things have changed, they really do seem to stay the same.

**Reviews are love. :) -km3-**


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